Handy Person & Girl Friday

One I rejected. Who do these toffs think they are?
Dear Mrs Hurren,
We have added your website to our list of favorites. It would seem that you offer everthing we require. However, for the moment we have a problem with our video recorder, can you come and help. We am sure you are an expert in this field.
Lord & Lady B

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I was far too busy for this lot too!
I am an elderly person who requires a number of jobs for which you might give estimates. Among these are: Roof re-tiling, replacement of rafters, rising damp, termites and a certain amount of subsidence which will require underpinning. Also the entire bungalow needs re-decoration.

I notice from your picture on the web that you are quite handy with a large shovel, and have in mind some garden landscaping.

Is your patch confined to London and the Essex area? I have relatives in ******** who have recently bought a complete sh*t-heap and who will no doubt need plenty of work done. This would involve your transport to them on the pillion of my motorbike.

If you are able to fit this into your busy schedule, please e-mail earliest.

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Eazy Peazy
Dear Edie,

Can you do us a quote for some Crazy Paving (about 6 acres worth)?

Do you do bigger jobs as I hear they need a new contractor for Terminal Five too?

Reply:
No probs. Order the paving I'll fit it in after I've finished Wembley Stadium
PS Unless I'm Googleheavening by that time

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Do I need this?
Don't know of any jobs you could do for us as we've already got a cleaner and a team of gardeners don't you know (sniff sniff)! Oh sorry that's mum and dad I'm thinking of.Don't know of any jobs you could do for us as we've already got a cleaner and a team of gardeners don't you know (sniff sniff)! Oh sorry that's mum and dad I'm thinking of.

Reply:
Do I look like I care? Do I? Do I?

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Had to write to write to the Toffs and give 'em a piece of my mind.
Dear Lord and Lady B,

I am very disappointed, no disgusted that you never gave me your underpinning job. After all those nice people in Bromley employed me to do theirs last week. (Can't think why that hole appeared.)

I could fitted you in between jobs and break dancing lessons I only needed three hours to complete it. Because of this your future work requests will NOT receive my usual expedited attention.

Yours extremely hurt and bewildered.

PS Service is my middle name

Reply:
Read the whole "thrilling" response in the next update - TOSSERS!

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